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tin's Journal  I don't know how this has come about, but I've been discovering more and more of myself with each day that passes. I've realized that I am not completely emotionally available to the people around me. There always seems to be a distance, which I impose, that does not allow me to really connect with other people. And I don't know why I do that. (Or I do know, but I refuse to acknowledge it.) The image that comes to mind is me, with one foot out the door. Last night I was having a conversation with a friend and he was telling me how difficult med school is and that he's having a hard time coping. I knew what he wanted was comfort and some reassurance, but I just couldn't give it. I was so afraid of what it would mean and how that might change things. I just told him that things would be okay and changed the topic. (How bad of me.) ~sigh~ I look at my other friends and how open and free they are and I want that too. I wish I could just let go. I wish I could just be free. I wish I could just feel something other than this. Current mood:  confused.Current music: Legends of the Fall OST. www.lomohomes.com/thoughts_betrayed Ty to J for introducing me to this nifty gadget. ^_^ I'm having a great Sunday: - went to church this morning, which means I have the evening to myself. I always had a hard time convincing myself to go to church at 6pm. There was something so unnatural about having to _do_ something when the day was ending. - got buttons made. This is for the store's first year anniv, which we are very psyched about. The buttons turned out so well! I love it when things just go according to plan. - had Cheesecake Etc.'s Chocolate Dome. Sinful little bugger. My bro had the Cashew Dome and fell in love with it. - made a downpayment on my Lomo camera. Jammi got me interested in it and I've been agonizing over it for the entire week. I couldn't decide which one to get, so I asked my sibs (even the ones in Singapore). My bros in Singapore decided to check out the Lomo in Singapore and got hooked! Hahahaha -- my brother is now part of the Lomographic Society of Singapore and is, as I type this, finishing up his first roll of film. Thoughts for the week: - need to find a good caterer for my bro's birthday bash. Good and cheap. ~sigh~ - need to find a gift for my sister. - need to work on my thesis!!!!!! grrrr.... I hate this. =P Yesterday, I was myself -- for the first time in over a year, I felt as though I recognized myself. And that was a good feeling. Today, something is bothering me again -- it's something from my past and I don't know how to deal with it. ~sigh~ Current mood:  lonely.Current music: not the time for music ~sigh~. Had dinner with friends at Cafe Ysabel yesterday. I didn't realize how much I missed being with them ... A friend had brought pictures from the christmas season (face it, peeps: the holidays are OVER. It is back to the rat race for all of us.) and I saw a picture of my lovey ... well, my ex-never was ... and I just missed him so much! Am pretty happy and satisfied with how my life is turning out ... but there's that gnawing emptiness in a very small corner of my being ... Am turning 25 in less than 24 hours ... ~sigh~ Current mood:  nostalgic.Current music: Deep River by Utada Hikaru. I am in dire need of some comforting right now ... I've done something that I can't seem to stop regretting ... My friend did tell me that I should give myself permission not to feel bad about it ... but years of having to take responsibility for everything is not allowing me to do that ... I wonder if I could have done anything differently and if it would make me feel better ... but that is an entirely different can of worms ... Current mood: sad.Current music: what'll she look like by stephen speaks. I'm sick right now ... finally the virus has caught up to me -- defeated the multiple doses of vitamin c and other preventive measures I've taken ... ~sigh~ My boy comes home tomorrow ... and we haven't spoken to each other since September ... I finally made the decision to cut ties because I was tired of hanging on and waiting ... Funny Here I am -- waiting; anxiously anticipating what he'll do ... if he would do anything ... I hate this ... I hate not knowing ... I can't concentrate on my thesis -- I've lost my focus (I don't like my topic ...) Damn it all ... Damn him * * * passenger seat (song of songs 4:7-9) (t. mccloud, r. ripperger) i look at her and have to smile as we go driving for a while her hair blowing in the open windows of my car as we go, the traffic lights, i watch them glimmer in her eyes in the darkness of the evening, and {i've got all that i need right here in the passenger seat and i can't keep my eyes on the road knowing that she's inches from me} we stop to get something to drink my mind clouds and i can't think scared to death to say i love her then the moon peeks from the clouds i hear my heartbeat it's so loud try to tell her simply, that {chorus} Current mood:  sick.Current music: passenger seat by stephen speaks. A WHITE Dragon Lies Beneath!I took the Inner Dragon online quiz and found out I am a White Dragon on the inside. If there ever was an apparition of balance, power and reclusive intelligence, my Inner Dragon is it. Whites are a fairly common dragon and are considered one of two harmonious dragons. My antithesis is the evil Black Dragon. My Inner Dragon likes to think things out, plot against enemies, and look down upon the world from the highest mountain peaks. My favorable attributes are the Day, the Sun, truth, a positive attitude, and helpful magic. Humans only need fear me when they stray into my domain without proper tribute. Of course, that tribute would probably be a cake the size of a Volkswagen, but hey, if they wanted to move through my turf they should have brought it, right? If someone ever really wanted a fight I'd be an impressive opponent, considering I pack a breath weapon combination of Fire and Lightning. Even the nicest dragons can do some serious damage. barbie bottom if i were male, i would have been larry lovebone. Get your porn name here: http://home.bip.net/pash/pornalizer/ Current mood:  amused.Current music: track 5 from the Yamakasi OST. Submitted my paper (the last one I ever have to write -- with the exception of my MA Thesis, which isn't due for another year.) and am finally on vacation. It is so great to not have the burden of school responsibilities anymore ... not that I don't love school because I do ... but I need a vacation. (and now I have one!) Got so many things I want to do! (really excited to do them) Current mood:  giddy.Current music: Fuel's Shimmer (acoustic version). |
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